woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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