Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
