I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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