two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
