i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
