There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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