Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Randomize
