Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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