i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize