so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
