Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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