im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
