we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
