she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
