So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
