I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
not ubering you a puppy
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
