I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
