He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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