I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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