I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
