We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
