i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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