Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
