More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
