I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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