Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
