Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
