I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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