Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
