I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
