That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
