Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
