he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
