We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
