can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
