he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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