i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
