Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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