Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
