I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
