Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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