No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Alive.
So much puke
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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