I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
