We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
