you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
