Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
