the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
