Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
