It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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