im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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