My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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