I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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