i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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