Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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