she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
