I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
